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29

Oct

Insomnia

Insomnia

Eyes wide open. 

1:47 a.m.

Not time to get up.

I hope I can get back to…

YAWN

Zzzzzz…

I dreamt that I was playing bingo and did not hear all the letters and numbers. 

I asked a friend, “Can I look at your chart?” 

No response.

I stood up and walked over to where she sat.

No sooner had I looked over her shoulder to investigate whether or not I had won

than I began to worry someone would think I was cheating. 

The bingo card once crisp and neatly laid out on the table in front of me

rested crumpled and dissheveled in the waste bin

along with my forsaken dreams of winning millions of dollars playing bingo. 

I awaken with a start

and my thoughts begin to race on and on and on and on and on about work.

3:46 a.m. 

Wow. I’ve only been asleep two hours. 

Feels like twelve and zero hours at the same time.

Man, I’m tired.

Why does my stomach hurt?

Burp

Fart

Was it something I ate?

God, I hope this is not a rerun of last week’s insomnia. 

Burp Burp

Fart

And I really hope I don’t puke.

Should I take Tums? 

Do I have Tums? 

Wait, maybe if I puke I won’t have to go to work!

Tick tock tick tock

Blink Blink

Frown

I roll over and begin to feel feel tension and strain in my knees. 

REALLY!?  My knees?!

Can’t get comfortable. 

If only I had money for yoga classes in my budget.

Tomorrow’s gonna suck. Well, it was gonna suck before you didn’t sleep. FUCK. This must be why you can’t sleep, and now it will only be worse if you’re tired. If only you had a Xanax. If only you had taken Melatonin..if only…

Tick tock tick tock

I look at the clock.

4:04 a.m.

The numbers taunt and bully me,

and suddenly I feel like I’m back in 7th grade.

I pick up a book and decide to read without my glasses. 

This should be successful, Old Woman.

The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith. 

Page one. 

Page two. 

Page three.

Four….five…six…seven…eight…

Damn it! Why does this book have to be so good!? You should have read something boring like your text on human development! In fact maybe you should have read that text fully EVER…

4:44 a.m. 

Page 17.

YAWN

SUCCESS!

I place the book on the pillow beside me,

turn out the light and rest my head on my pillow. 

My cat purrs as she makes her way

along the length of my body

and gently curls up in my free arm. 

Ahhhhh. Thank goodness.

My relaxed state and the environment

are finally aligned with my desire to sleep.

Tick tock tick tock

Blink Blink

Fidget

Blink Blink

Fidget

ACHOO!

The cat has clearly had enough of me as she has left in utter disgust.

5:15 a.m.

GODDAMN IT!

Toss

Turn

Toss

Turn

Facebook stalk

I find a video of seventh graders being interviewed while teachers dance behind them. 

Seventh grade was never that cool when you were in it. 

Were teachers that cool and you didn’t know? 

Cybersurf

According to Dreammoods.com, “ To see or play bingo in your dream symbolizes a sudden revelation. Pay special attention to the dream content as there is something significant and profound that you have learned or discovered about yourself.” Hmm. Interesting. What was that dream about? Have I discovered anything new about myself recently? Hmmm…maybe it was about…or it could have been…was it…GODDAMN IT! Of COURSE you can’t remember! You weren’t paying attention! But it’s no revelation that you don’t pay attention to things. Maybe if you ever get back to sleep and dream about bingo again you’ll pay attention. Or maybe it really is time to pursue a psychiatrist to treat your anxiety and ADD. Things to ponder.

Tick tock tick tock.

6:18 a.m. 

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Time to get up. 

FACEPALM.

12

Dec

Cereal

I came downstairs expecting to eat my honey rice chex cereal for breakfast, and I was looking forward to that. I noticed the box was open last night because my mom ate some. Today, the box was gone. I think my brother ate it.

I spent $60 on groceries that I did not have to spend because my mom insisted she couldn’t buy groceries, and I did not want to starve. Now, I am financially stressed, expecting to overdraw, and I am still hungry because my mother and brother do not respect that MY resources are MINE to use on things I NEED.

So, today, my cranky pants won’t fit as tight because I’m hungry. But, Goddamnit I am still wearing those motherfuckers.

18

Jul

Dear…

Dear Boston University, Suffolk University, Great Bay Community College, Mass College of Art, Wentworth Institute of Technology, Simmons, University System of New Hampshire, Exeter Hospital, and Youth Villages,

Please explain how I can possibly have applied at ALL of you and not yet heard back! I just want to be a counselor to students at a university that offers a great salary and benefits package. Is that so hard? Who wouldn’t want me to work for them!?

Sincerely,

Carly