Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme

13

Jul

Life’s A Beach

So, today I went to the beach, and I sat on my little fold-up beach chair where I contemplated lots of life questions and concerns and came up with no conclusions.

First of all, I couldn’t help but watch every perfect-bodied human pass me by and wonder “Why me?” I kept thinking, “I hope in my next life I am thin and don’t have ingrown hairs that create acne all over my body.” Then, I started wondering if seeing a dermatologist might help. Then, I thought, ‘I hope in my next life I am thin and pretty and talented and happily married to someone. I hope in my next life I’m normal.”

Ugh. Yes, so, I know what you’re going to say because it’s what I am thinking: why am I focused on making my next life the best it can be instead of creating the life that I want now? In THIS life I could be thin if I didn’t overindulge in sugars and cheeses. And if I exercised daily. In THIS life I could get married and be in love if I allowed myself to be vulnerable and open to the possibility. In this life I could see a dermatologist and hopefully clear up my skin and hormone issues. I think I wish my life away because it seems to hard too make changes, and I feel too broken to ever be good enough for anyone. BIG thoughts for the beach. Big, unhelpful thoughts. My thoughts are my downfall. I could be all the things I want to be if I did not let my thoughts take control of me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to where I want to go in life. Although, I did revisit my bucket list to make it more specific. I was happy to see that I have already accomplished some of the goals I set for myself in the middle of 2013. For example, “Travel more” and “take voice lessons” were two upon which I wanted to focus. Last year, I never traveled at all, but this year I have been to Cape Cod on a vacation, New York to visit Katie, and I am planning trips out to Oregon, L.A., Montreal and Vermont within the year. Even if it is not feasible to go to Oregon, L.A. Montreal AND Vermont this year, then at least I can say I traveled more just by going to two places.

And, of course, voice lessons. Ahhhhh. I cannot express in words what I feel in my heart since I started taking voice lessons. When I began voice lessons I was fraught with debilitating anxiety. Any moment alone or in silence literally made me feel like I was having a panic attack. Since starting voice lessons I have gained confidence in the skill, I am filling my awkward inner silences with music, and I no longer feel ridden with the anxiety I had prior. I still have anxiety, but I am able to function now. Also, I am happier. Music fills me with such joy—I had forgotten. I have lost weight, I’m smiling more, my skin looks better, and I am eating better. I am also finding motivation to clean up my life and my choices. For example, I cleaned my bedroom this weekend, and I took the time to go through all my bills, shredding everything unnecessary to keep.

So, even though life’s a total beach from time to time I am glad that I am noticing small changes within me that might continue to promote my healthy growth and development toward my best self. I hope that I can make my life what I want it to be, but if I can’t, I guess there really is always my next life…I will just try not to focus on that one as much as this one.

06

Jul

#love #thoughts #wisdom

#love #thoughts #wisdom

03

Jul

#thoughts #nocturnal #rants

#thoughts #nocturnal #rants

28

Jun

#thoughts #haiku #morning

#thoughts #haiku #morning

24

Jun

All I Can Do

In just one moment

the day’s mood can change entirely.

All it takes is one goodbye

to inspire sadness,

one conflict

to bring fury,

one night in

to instill loneliness.

This morning’s gift of lotion,

the joy of beginning the day by reading a greeting card,

and yesterday’s positive outlook

all seem to be a distant memory.

So many things to mourn

not enough time in the day.

Motivation escapes me

and all I can do is sing to soothe the pain.

21

Jun

Best Self, Worst Self

I miss me
The me that I was
Is not the me that i am now

There’s a deep chasm between
Before and after
Past and future
And though I’ve grown,
The growth isn’t always pretty

In fact, it’s downright disfigured.

I had a plan once
I had passion once
I knew myself once
Even when I didn’t

Now, it’s like listening
To my instincts through
Sheetrock
My heard and head are
Muddled and tinny

I can hear my old self
Can feel him beating inside my chest
But I seem to have lost the key
Or the map
Or the tenacity
To go and find him

You know all those times
You think to yourself
“I’m not happy?”
What if you actually were
And you just didn’t appreciate it

What if you can’t get back
What life has beaten down
What if your depression
Can’t be lifted?

What if my old self
Was my best self?

What now?

16

Jun

#rants #thoughts #nocturnal

#rants #thoughts #nocturnal

15

Jun

If I Am a Light

If I am a light
Then why do I shine?
Where do I shine?

Light has a purpose—
To serve as a guide
Or a source of joy.

I shine for no one,
And how can one bring joy
If one does not feel it?
How can one be a guide
If one is lost?

Lighthouses shine for sailors,
Stars glint for travelers,
Candles glow to create ambiance.
And lights were made to lead the way.

I do not feel like a leader.
I feel lost.
In a world
Where I am an afterthought,
And my value is based on
My weight, beauty, and charms,
Whatever brightness I possess is muted by inequality and self-doubt.

And just when I think someone sees my light
I see yet another who glimmers more brightly and beautifully in the distance.

I am not as strong as people might think I am.


I might be different if I had grown up normally.
If I hadn’t journeyed through darkness
To get to where I am now
I might have established trust in myself
And, in turn, the confidence to lead others.

If I hadn’t learned that intimacy is hurtful I might be more open to it now and
less afraid to give of my physical self.

I might not have learned to hide the wiggle In my walk,
The ooze of sexuality,
The flirty quips of my tongue.
I would not have had to hide from love
Or shy away from sex.
In a different life I would have been a better, more successful person.
Leader,
Lover,
And light for the world.

I don’t know where my light is,
Or, if I have it,
Or why or where it shines,
But I long to know if I have a purpose and what kind of guidance I need to receive to get there.

22

May

21

May