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29

Jul

Tonight I dream

Tonight I dream of happiness
Of bikes rides at sunset
Some homemade ice cream
And falling asleep to the
Chirp of crickets

Tonight I dream of wellness
Reading books
Turning pages as the mist
From a summer rain
Coats the grass and the pavement

Tonight I dream of roads less-travelled
Of sign posts and markers
That guide the way to the peak
Where I can look out and feel both
Massive and insignificant

Tonight I dream of love
For family and friends
Of hugs that have no ending
And conversations over pizza
And then continue over tea

Tonight I dream of what’s to come
And hope for the best amidst the
hallway of unfulfilled landscapes
I want to leave my mark
And be marked
As someone worth dreaming about

Tonight, I dream
Tonight, the world is mine
It’s the morning that I fear.

28

Jul

Remembrance of Things Past

Every night, for the last few nights, I lay down in bed and try to sleep. Like normal. My mind wanders, as it does, but lately it’s taken some interesting detours.

I think a lot about Jon. Not in a “I miss him” sorta way, but I do miss aspects of that time in my life. Having someone. I am not blind or into revisionist-history; I know what Jon did to me, and ultimately we were not right for each other. But there’s the rib: how can two people go along the same path for so long, with one mutual destination, only to have it crash down around you both?

I learned a lot about myself, being with him. I also put a lot of myself aside, being with him. Mostly, my creative side. And it’s that creative side that reared its beautiful and complicated head in the end and fought to be heard, for independence. All those three years of being pent-up and subservient had only made it stronger, and more determined. And angry. So much so that it flew out of my fingers and extremities like lightning bolts, striking anything and anyone who had gotten in its way.

I once thought, when I was secure with Jon, that would be it. I wouldn’t have to torture myself or entertain the idea of creating as a career. Then I read the word ‘secure’ and laugh to myself, because who really feels secure in a relationship? I sure didn’t. And that was a precursor or indicator of things to come.

I’m not one who can easily live in the present. I’m either way in the apocalyptic future, or the milky melancholy of my past. I can’t let myself be in the moment often, because that would mean accepting my less-than-stellar circumstances. And now I find myself at an impasse — but not with a relationship to another, but with myself.

I’ve accomplished so much, yet moved the needle so little that I find it hard to take my circumstances and write them down in my history book as wins. I’m not where I want to be. I don’t even know where that is, physically or career-wise. But the sad part is, I’m not really trying to figure it out.

I’m tired. I’ve fought hard since I was fifteen. And what do I have to show for it? What can I do differently to change my outlook for the better? All I do is stress about money which makes it hard to think freely. My parents stress about it as well and I want to scream at them: hello, you have a son who is pursuing a career in the arts, he isn’t gonna be making 50k with benefits anytime soon, you have to accept that!! I also have to accept that. I know choices lie in my future, and decisions big and small that I do not want to face. I’ve spent thirty-two years on this earth and I don’t really feel I have anything to show for it.

I just want to be happy again and not stress too much. Is that too much to ask?

I’m sorry this was rambling. I am going to get back into this blog because it’s good for both of us, and keeps our connection strong across the time zones.

Thoughts are appreciated.

24

Jul

The lovers, the dreamers, and me?

Today, I woke up late. And angry. I got out on the same side of the bed I always do, but something was just off. I got enough sleep. I was comfortable, for the most part. But this morning, I did not face the world with a smile. I faced it with a big ol’ frown.

Traffic sucked. Obama’s in town, so Los Angeles had to close down and dig up roads with the pretense that they actually gave a fuck about infrastructure. My normal commute took twice as long, I had to park in a space that I could barely fit into, but I wasn’t about to park in the rooftop lot, because it was already 80 degrees at 9 AM. 

Work was boring. I finished my tasks and just twiddled my thumbs and become more and more restless. I reacted poorly to an email that was sent to my production team. I lamented about not having enough responsibilities, or opportunities to network and find a job I’m happy with. I thought about my chosen path, and wondered if I really wanted to do it anymore? I left work a half hour early and didn’t look back.

I don’t know where the behavioral shift came from. Last week, I felt completely different. I was going out with friends, I made an effort to be social, and exist in large crowds. I saw movies by myself. I went to see that therapist I told you about, but unfortunately I think he is too expensive to keep seeing. I guess my biggest anxiety is not having enough money. I even got a tiny raise at work, but it’s not enough to pay my bills on my own.

Katie is helpful with getting me to prioritize and think outside the box but I know I am my own worst enemy. I could make time to work out, to write, to save money. But part of me doesn’t want to be an adult. Part of me is full of frustration at my life experiences and how I was raised, and I was never taught how to enlist in a 401(k), or what the differences in health insurance meant. I have the mental intelligence to figure these things out on my own if I gave it some thought, but is it weird that part of me thinks that someone else should have done it for me?

It is weird. I know. It’s immature and myopic. I know that I have a hand in creating my own reality. But what reality do I really want, or desire? It’s hard to pin that down. 

Half the time I spend thinking about my time in LA, I think of the positives. Like the fact that I drive home and see the Hollywood sign in my line of sight, always beckoning. Or the fact that I can see movies before the rest of the country. I have a lot of good food, and culture at my doorstep. There’s flea markets, record stores, coffee shops. Things aren’t terrible.

But then I get caught up in the weather, and the fact it never rains here. My car is dusty and dirty, and so are my lungs. Traffic sucks, there’s too many people, none of them know how to drive. There’s too much poverty, homeless people, and clashes of culture. And worst, I drive by film/television studios each day and wonder why in the world can’t I get a job there? What is the universe trying to tell me?

I have the power to be better. I know that I am more blessed than others, even though it doesn’t feel like it. I guess I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be me — the true, authentic me. I haven’t felt like that in a long time. When writing scripts in the dark in the basement of my parent’s house gave me joy. When working with kids and developing drama programs made me feel good about myself and my life path. When I finally saw a project of mine on a movie screen in Concord, and then in Salem, and Vermont. 

Here, I am just one of thousands. And you need chutzpah to succeed here. You don’t need creativity, intelligence, knowledge, or talent. You need to know people. I guess I haven’t met the right people here yet. Who knows if I ever will.

And I miss you. I know I have been terrible at making time — it’s not because I don’t want to talk or reach out. It’s because I feel raw and emotional and I feel like you don’t want to hear from me bc you have your Patrick Dorow friends, and I know that’s silly. Please take all of this with a grain of salt, knowing my emotional state at the moment. 

I need to get back to myself. Back to nature. Hike, avoid the heat, read a book. Something where I can feel like me again. 

If you have any ideas on how to do that, let me know. 

13

Jul

Life’s A Beach

So, today I went to the beach, and I sat on my little fold-up beach chair where I contemplated lots of life questions and concerns and came up with no conclusions.

First of all, I couldn’t help but watch every perfect-bodied human pass me by and wonder “Why me?” I kept thinking, “I hope in my next life I am thin and don’t have ingrown hairs that create acne all over my body.” Then, I started wondering if seeing a dermatologist might help. Then, I thought, ‘I hope in my next life I am thin and pretty and talented and happily married to someone. I hope in my next life I’m normal.”

Ugh. Yes, so, I know what you’re going to say because it’s what I am thinking: why am I focused on making my next life the best it can be instead of creating the life that I want now? In THIS life I could be thin if I didn’t overindulge in sugars and cheeses. And if I exercised daily. In THIS life I could get married and be in love if I allowed myself to be vulnerable and open to the possibility. In this life I could see a dermatologist and hopefully clear up my skin and hormone issues. I think I wish my life away because it seems to hard too make changes, and I feel too broken to ever be good enough for anyone. BIG thoughts for the beach. Big, unhelpful thoughts. My thoughts are my downfall. I could be all the things I want to be if I did not let my thoughts take control of me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to where I want to go in life. Although, I did revisit my bucket list to make it more specific. I was happy to see that I have already accomplished some of the goals I set for myself in the middle of 2013. For example, “Travel more” and “take voice lessons” were two upon which I wanted to focus. Last year, I never traveled at all, but this year I have been to Cape Cod on a vacation, New York to visit Katie, and I am planning trips out to Oregon, L.A., Montreal and Vermont within the year. Even if it is not feasible to go to Oregon, L.A. Montreal AND Vermont this year, then at least I can say I traveled more just by going to two places.

And, of course, voice lessons. Ahhhhh. I cannot express in words what I feel in my heart since I started taking voice lessons. When I began voice lessons I was fraught with debilitating anxiety. Any moment alone or in silence literally made me feel like I was having a panic attack. Since starting voice lessons I have gained confidence in the skill, I am filling my awkward inner silences with music, and I no longer feel ridden with the anxiety I had prior. I still have anxiety, but I am able to function now. Also, I am happier. Music fills me with such joy—I had forgotten. I have lost weight, I’m smiling more, my skin looks better, and I am eating better. I am also finding motivation to clean up my life and my choices. For example, I cleaned my bedroom this weekend, and I took the time to go through all my bills, shredding everything unnecessary to keep.

So, even though life’s a total beach from time to time I am glad that I am noticing small changes within me that might continue to promote my healthy growth and development toward my best self. I hope that I can make my life what I want it to be, but if I can’t, I guess there really is always my next life…I will just try not to focus on that one as much as this one.

06

Jul

#love #thoughts #wisdom

#love #thoughts #wisdom

03

Jul

#thoughts #nocturnal #rants

#thoughts #nocturnal #rants

28

Jun

#thoughts #haiku #morning

#thoughts #haiku #morning

24

Jun

All I Can Do

In just one moment

the day’s mood can change entirely.

All it takes is one goodbye

to inspire sadness,

one conflict

to bring fury,

one night in

to instill loneliness.

This morning’s gift of lotion,

the joy of beginning the day by reading a greeting card,

and yesterday’s positive outlook

all seem to be a distant memory.

So many things to mourn

not enough time in the day.

Motivation escapes me

and all I can do is sing to soothe the pain.

21

Jun

Best Self, Worst Self

I miss me
The me that I was
Is not the me that i am now

There’s a deep chasm between
Before and after
Past and future
And though I’ve grown,
The growth isn’t always pretty

In fact, it’s downright disfigured.

I had a plan once
I had passion once
I knew myself once
Even when I didn’t

Now, it’s like listening
To my instincts through
Sheetrock
My heard and head are
Muddled and tinny

I can hear my old self
Can feel him beating inside my chest
But I seem to have lost the key
Or the map
Or the tenacity
To go and find him

You know all those times
You think to yourself
“I’m not happy?”
What if you actually were
And you just didn’t appreciate it

What if you can’t get back
What life has beaten down
What if your depression
Can’t be lifted?

What if my old self
Was my best self?

What now?

16

Jun

#rants #thoughts #nocturnal

#rants #thoughts #nocturnal