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13

Sep

You’ve Got No Friends

That’s how I feel out here right now. Usually it doesn’t bother me but I am feeling terribly lonely this week.

The people I work with on the web series are annoying me, for many reasons. They are childish, and form cliques, and I used to be able to separate myself from it but I can’t. I can’t see them or the project the way I used to. It’s ceased to be fun.

Unfortunately, ninety-five percent of my human interaction comes from this group. I know some of this feeling is ego. I know I am also jealous of other people’s connections to each other. I thought Oriana and I were close but now that she’s started work and she is no longer on the outs with Rance, I don’t hold as high priority.

Rance thinks the world of himself and mostly I can’t stand it. I hate Leo’s — why do I have so many of them in my life? They make me feel less than and like I have to prove myself. Is that an astrological thing between Leo’s and Gemini’s?

I have been going to networking events on my own, but I don’t talk or network with other people. I feel fat, and disheveled and unprofessional and worthless when it comes to selling myself. What happened to me?

I used to be so much more confident of my skills and ability. I used to feel it in my bones and blood, but now…so rare. Maybe it’s the antidepressants. I hate pills. I am going to talk to my doctor about other methods because I can’t just keep existing in this state.

I have no one here I could call at 4 AM to bail me out of a jam. That’s pretty sad. I know I’m not alone, LA can be isolating, but still.

2014 needs to end. It’s been a horrible year. Bring on 2015, and let there be new opportunities and new friendships.

I don’t want to feel like an old curmudgeon anymore.

03

Sep

Angry vs Happy

I am angry and
I don’t know why
I wish to laugh
I wish to cry

Anything is better
Than this gloomy kind
Of weather
That follows me around

But I can’t laugh
And I can’t cry
And my peaceful slumbers
Have said goodbye

So I lie here on my bed
With pointed thoughts
Within my head
That I am right and
They are wrong
And they’re the fools instead

Anger wants to be my friend
To be the one that I depend
And it’s tempting, truth be told
But I’d rather be happy instead

01

Sep

An American in Los Angeles

Last night I saw John Williams conduct music from the movies at the Hollywood Bowl. If you are aware of the name but unsure of his credits, look no further than Jurassic Park, Harry Potter, ET, Superman, Star Wars, Indiana Jones — you get the idea. Basically the man has been the impetus behind most of modern 20th century film scores. But I digress.

This is my third year attending, so I guess you could call it a tradition. It’s nice to sit out under the stars in the open amphitheater, nestled below the Hollywood sign. The sun goes down, you sit on the uncomfortable wooden seats, pull out your wine, your snacks, and settle in for a musical experience.

Each year has a theme - this year was about dance in the movies. They played the tango from “Scent of a Woman,” and a bit of a ballet piece from “An American in Paris” starring Gene Kelly. It’s an indescribable feeling to see these films come to life once again with a live orchestra. I loved every minute of it.

I did have to see some people from past work and roommate situations that I didn’t really care to see, but everyone was civil and I enjoyed the evening.

Today I went to a movie memorabilia show and looked at all these people’s vast collections (and spent some money I shouldn’t have) and wishing I was rich so I could just buy everything. Sadly, not the case.

I am very excited to come home and visit with you. I sang some karaoke tonight but it isn’t the same. I miss those nights in your dining room, singing Sonny and Cher while your mom snored in the other room.

Life isn’t what we dream it will be, I guess. I’m trying to act happier, and make steps to better myself. I know you struggle as well and I want you to know that however much or little it means in this case, I support you. Making better choices is still making better choices, even if you don’t see results immediately. You asked your friend for validation — but maybe it’s not validation but reassurance that you seek?

I guess the battle for all of us is to stop focusing on our imperfections and feeling like strangers in our own bodies. I have a hard time telling anymore what is anxiety and what is my normal body reaction. I’m not sure I’ll ever get that normalcy back.

Keep on keepin on, my friend. Like Glinda said to Dorothy, you had it in you all along. Now look down at those ruby slippers on your adorable pronated feet and get clicking.

30

Aug

All About That Bass, No Treble.

This is a letter I wrote to one of my friends that explains my most recent internal and external struggle: my weight.

. . .

Girl, I love you and am so proud of you for your recent weight loss.

I have been frustrated with my body for years, and it now has a number of health problems due to a hormonal imbalance caused by ovarian cysts.

I am 29 and I have plantar fasciitis, high blood pressure, lower back pain, pronating feet, my hormonal imbalance, low self esteem and depression. These things are all related and I am disappointed that this is my reality.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food. Donuts, chocolate and pastries are a downfall. I eat sugar daily in some form.

My friend is health coaching me right now and recently she suggested that I eliminate sugar from my diet. I had an irrational response to that suggestion. I outright refused to eliminate sugar and became so anxious at the thought that I had physical symptoms. She thinks it’s the only way to counteract my hormonal issues and regulate my weight. I think she may be right, but I struggle with commitment issues in most areas of my life, and changing lifestyles is one of those commitment issues.

Sugar is to Carly as blanket is to Linus. How’s that for an analogy? My response to my friend’s suggestion to me to eliminate sugar only further proves my dependency upon it and the importance of learning to let go of my need for it, but I don’t want to let go. This tells me that as much shame, discomfort, and disappointment as I feel about and within my body it is not enough to make me want to change. This comes down to my low self worth and my inability to trust others; what I do to counteract that trust issue is I build a physical barrier around me in the form of a spare tire.

So, I choose not to change. Fine, but I am still taking *some* steps to improve my health. I am trying to eat better foods 66% of the time, and I am walking away from buying pastries at Popovers. Great. But, I leave feeling resentful that I have to make healthier choices and can’t just have what I want whenever I want it. I feel deprivation. I feel boxed into being required to log every morsel I put in my mouth. Does this happen to you?

What I am
Looking for from you is validation, support and the words of someone wiser who may have advice about how to decrease my feelings of resentment toward resisting unhealthy foods. Please let me know how I can continue to self motivate and feel this way.

Thanks and keep on keeping on.

With lots and lots of bass,

Carly

28

Aug

Wise words to remember.

Wise words to remember.

26

Aug

Just like Alexander

Today was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day. I swear work is making me ill. I can’t stand it. I’m so done. And plus, it was a Monday.

Let’s try and focus on the good that happened. I finished a book, my first one in forever, that was an accomplishment. I discovered I actually could sit still and use my brain to retain information.

I started writing a little but without real focus. I have been working on my resume and looking at jobs. I just need a break.

My dad wants me to find a roommate and I sorta agree, though I have gotten used to living by myself. One girl is looking for someone to live with but I’m not sure I could stand her. That is something to think about.

I have to start saving for when I’m home in December, and when Katie’s wedding happens.

I don’t know. I feel very up in the air. I thought getting a therapist would help and miraculously solve all my problems. I realize that is not how it works but geez, can something go right?

25

Aug

Karaoke to No One

I’m feeling down tonight. I don’t know why, exactly. But silly things are getting to me, like why haven’t I been nominated for the ice bucket challenge? It just seems like a popularity contest at this point. And then I love all the LA people (friends included) try to be above it all and are like “we’re in a drought so I won’t be dumping water on my head…” Bitch, then don’t make a video. Am I supposed to bow down to you for your Eco-friendliness? I bet you didn’t turn off the faucet while brushing your teeth.

Tonight I feel all alone in the world. My friends out here, are they really my friends? I can’t tell anymore. I’m so down on everything that it’s hard to think positive. I hate my job. It’s painful to go to work every day. I feel trapped, with no way out. I’ve started to do a little more writing but I am so out of practice. I just don’t know how to change things around.

I worked on my resume, and instead of feeling accomplished I felt depressed and anxious. I looked up job opportunities and felt sick to my stomach. Part of me truly believes this is it: I’m doomed to lead a life of unfulfilled monotony.

There are good things. I’ve worked for two major movie studios, more or less. I get to go to Disneyland for free. I get to see movies first, etc.

Why aren’t I happy? Why do I always feel like I am not good enough, and that I never will be? No amount of medication or therapy in the world seems to do the trick.

I’ve been here three years, and something needs to change. I’m tired of meaningless jobs. I’m tired of feeling fat, unattractive, worthless and undervalued.

The next few months are gonna be crucial to my life path. I don’t see it getting any easier.

I sang karaoke to myself tonight, frustrated that my allergies and post nasal drip and California dryness has messed with my vocal chords. Also, my confidence is shot. I feel like a timid blob of flesh.

I guess I’ll try to sleep now. Can’t wait to wake up and go to work. Ughhhhhh…..

24

Aug

The Cat, the Coach, and the Creature of Habit

I accomplished a lot of things that are out of my comfort zone today. I am continuing my quest to commit to things I don’t prefer or that make me uncomfortable. Today, I mowed the lawn and completed overdue paperwork. Of course, nothing is ever good enough for my mother so the lawn went unnoticed and either criticized or minimized due to my many other failings.

After my long day of completing non-preferred tasks I prepared to go meet Katie for coaching. Before leaving the house, though, I couldn’t find Luna. I spent 15 minutes if which I could have been driving to meet Katie searching for my lost kitten. I panicked. My eyes welled up and my heart became heavy and filled with hopelessness. I finally found her locked in a room in the basement; I am assuming my mom wasn’t paying attention and shut her inside. For a moment, though, I had to imagine my life without her. I wouldn’t want to live to see that day. Luna is my best friend. Without her there is no joy and nothing to look forward to at the end of my day.

Needless to say, I was late for Katie. Parts of me is pleased to utilize her devices but other parts of me feel very uncomfortable talking to her. The most troublesome part is that she gets at things that are very raw—things that I do not like to think about nor work through. Things that Seth doesn’t really touch on. Ultimately, I acknowledged today that I don’t trust my body and I lack self-with. I also acknowledged I don’t want to connect to my body and this I don’t care to treat it well.

Katie suggests I eliminate sugar altogether for an extended period of time. The panic I felt when she suggested it is possibly irrational, but I became so anxious that I got shaky and had to use my stress ball from Seth at te end of my session. Sugar is my safety blanket. It’s what I eat when I need comfort. It’s bad for me and I could shed the weight easily if I never ate it. Katie thinks it’s good that I am making commitments to do things for myself so I can show my body that I keep my promises to it. I wish I was innately different than I am.

I am sleepy. I will write more about my social and body issues tomorrow.

Challenges of Being an Introvert

I’m glad you made an effort to go out of your comfort zone and make a small commitment to yourself — even if you earned some insomnia and gassiness along the way. Nothing majorly negative happened, you can look at it that way.

I have been trying to do more, to get out, and socialize. I failed at it today — though I am not completely torn up about it. Last night I went to the movies to see “Love is Strange,” about an older gay couple who decide to get married, only to have one of the men, a music teacher at a Catholic school, lose his job over it. They spend much of the film having to live apart as they search for affordable housing in NYC, which isn’t easy.

The film is quiet, poignant and razor sharp in its portrayal of love and relationships of all kinds. I recommend it if the film comes to your area.

I usually go to movies myself - not because I don’t want company so much as I would rather go on my schedule, and not have to drive anywhere. I’m trying to break out of that rigid schedule. But going out means socializing, and I don’t always like to socialize.

I also am out of shape and don’t feel attractive and don’t really dress in clothes that are fancy. Shorts and t-shirts make up my wardrobe, and I know I am not in fashion with going out and mingling, but I just can’t bring myself to buy a pair of nice jeans or pants, knowing that I am not my ideal weight.

And today I wanted to hang out with a friend, but she was with another friend of ours for most of the day. She asked if I wanted to go see a couple of film noirs with her at a theater this evening. At first I said yes, because it sounded fun, but when I learned I would have to drive there, to a place I’d never been, and later in the evening with traffic, I bailed. My introverted nature got the better of me. I hate driving, and I get anxiety with new places and I didn’t really want to watch two movies back to back — but I should have gone.

That’s not to say I didn’t have a good day — I mostly napped and read a book, and frivolously wrote a little — but I could have done with more human interaction.

I realize how little friends I do have here — and now little I go out of my way to reach out to them, and vice versa. If I didn’t have my writer’s group, I doubt I’d have any friends. That’s a troublesome thought.

So I am going to make more of an effort not to let my nature and anxiety get in the way of social engagements. It’s really a shame.

23

Aug

The Sad Couch

It’s gone.
The couch is gone.
There is an empty space
on the street corner where it used to
loiter like a prostitute on Rodeo Drive.
Homeless,
Rumpled,
Used.
The couch was a symbol of ageism
and this society’s drive to throw away
what could be repaired.
But now it is gone.
I wonder if someone found a way to make use of it.
Or, perhaps it was thrown away
like dreams, money and freedom on Rodeo Drive.
The couch,
not fancy,
blue, wrinkled, and stained by
grape juice and sunlight
is a keeper of secrets.
The couch,
previously a young and beautiful
resting place and source of comfort,
holds memories
of children’s laughter,
the love of a dog and a cat,
the support of family,
sweat and tears.
We shall no longer see it on the old dirt road where it lingered listlessly briefly.
It is no longer a vehicle
of worldly exploration
Through mediums such as the television and the internet.
It’s gone.
It’s somewhere.
It has gone somewhere.
Perhaps it got tired of feeling used,
or maybe the pain of being left behind
was enough to make it lose hope while
standing slumped on the street corner,
undervalued and forgotten.
It’s gone.
The couch is gone,
but is it still sad?