Life’s A Beach
So, today I went to the beach, and I sat on my little fold-up beach chair where I contemplated lots of life questions and concerns and came up with no conclusions.
First of all, I couldn’t help but watch every perfect-bodied human pass me by and wonder “Why me?” I kept thinking, “I hope in my next life I am thin and don’t have ingrown hairs that create acne all over my body.” Then, I started wondering if seeing a dermatologist might help. Then, I thought, ‘I hope in my next life I am thin and pretty and talented and happily married to someone. I hope in my next life I’m normal.”
Ugh. Yes, so, I know what you’re going to say because it’s what I am thinking: why am I focused on making my next life the best it can be instead of creating the life that I want now? In THIS life I could be thin if I didn’t overindulge in sugars and cheeses. And if I exercised daily. In THIS life I could get married and be in love if I allowed myself to be vulnerable and open to the possibility. In this life I could see a dermatologist and hopefully clear up my skin and hormone issues. I think I wish my life away because it seems to hard too make changes, and I feel too broken to ever be good enough for anyone. BIG thoughts for the beach. Big, unhelpful thoughts. My thoughts are my downfall. I could be all the things I want to be if I did not let my thoughts take control of me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to where I want to go in life. Although, I did revisit my bucket list to make it more specific. I was happy to see that I have already accomplished some of the goals I set for myself in the middle of 2013. For example, “Travel more” and “take voice lessons” were two upon which I wanted to focus. Last year, I never traveled at all, but this year I have been to Cape Cod on a vacation, New York to visit Katie, and I am planning trips out to Oregon, L.A., Montreal and Vermont within the year. Even if it is not feasible to go to Oregon, L.A. Montreal AND Vermont this year, then at least I can say I traveled more just by going to two places.
And, of course, voice lessons. Ahhhhh. I cannot express in words what I feel in my heart since I started taking voice lessons. When I began voice lessons I was fraught with debilitating anxiety. Any moment alone or in silence literally made me feel like I was having a panic attack. Since starting voice lessons I have gained confidence in the skill, I am filling my awkward inner silences with music, and I no longer feel ridden with the anxiety I had prior. I still have anxiety, but I am able to function now. Also, I am happier. Music fills me with such joy—I had forgotten. I have lost weight, I’m smiling more, my skin looks better, and I am eating better. I am also finding motivation to clean up my life and my choices. For example, I cleaned my bedroom this weekend, and I took the time to go through all my bills, shredding everything unnecessary to keep.
So, even though life’s a total beach from time to time I am glad that I am noticing small changes within me that might continue to promote my healthy growth and development toward my best self. I hope that I can make my life what I want it to be, but if I can’t, I guess there really is always my next life…I will just try not to focus on that one as much as this one.