Today, I woke up late. And angry. I got out on the same side of the bed I always do, but something was just off. I got enough sleep. I was comfortable, for the most part. But this morning, I did not face the world with a smile. I faced it with a big ol’ frown.
Traffic sucked. Obama’s in town, so Los Angeles had to close down and dig up roads with the pretense that they actually gave a fuck about infrastructure. My normal commute took twice as long, I had to park in a space that I could barely fit into, but I wasn’t about to park in the rooftop lot, because it was already 80 degrees at 9 AM.
Work was boring. I finished my tasks and just twiddled my thumbs and become more and more restless. I reacted poorly to an email that was sent to my production team. I lamented about not having enough responsibilities, or opportunities to network and find a job I’m happy with. I thought about my chosen path, and wondered if I really wanted to do it anymore? I left work a half hour early and didn’t look back.
I don’t know where the behavioral shift came from. Last week, I felt completely different. I was going out with friends, I made an effort to be social, and exist in large crowds. I saw movies by myself. I went to see that therapist I told you about, but unfortunately I think he is too expensive to keep seeing. I guess my biggest anxiety is not having enough money. I even got a tiny raise at work, but it’s not enough to pay my bills on my own.
Katie is helpful with getting me to prioritize and think outside the box but I know I am my own worst enemy. I could make time to work out, to write, to save money. But part of me doesn’t want to be an adult. Part of me is full of frustration at my life experiences and how I was raised, and I was never taught how to enlist in a 401(k), or what the differences in health insurance meant. I have the mental intelligence to figure these things out on my own if I gave it some thought, but is it weird that part of me thinks that someone else should have done it for me?
It is weird. I know. It’s immature and myopic. I know that I have a hand in creating my own reality. But what reality do I really want, or desire? It’s hard to pin that down.
Half the time I spend thinking about my time in LA, I think of the positives. Like the fact that I drive home and see the Hollywood sign in my line of sight, always beckoning. Or the fact that I can see movies before the rest of the country. I have a lot of good food, and culture at my doorstep. There’s flea markets, record stores, coffee shops. Things aren’t terrible.
But then I get caught up in the weather, and the fact it never rains here. My car is dusty and dirty, and so are my lungs. Traffic sucks, there’s too many people, none of them know how to drive. There’s too much poverty, homeless people, and clashes of culture. And worst, I drive by film/television studios each day and wonder why in the world can’t I get a job there? What is the universe trying to tell me?
I have the power to be better. I know that I am more blessed than others, even though it doesn’t feel like it. I guess I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be me — the true, authentic me. I haven’t felt like that in a long time. When writing scripts in the dark in the basement of my parent’s house gave me joy. When working with kids and developing drama programs made me feel good about myself and my life path. When I finally saw a project of mine on a movie screen in Concord, and then in Salem, and Vermont.
Here, I am just one of thousands. And you need chutzpah to succeed here. You don’t need creativity, intelligence, knowledge, or talent. You need to know people. I guess I haven’t met the right people here yet. Who knows if I ever will.
And I miss you. I know I have been terrible at making time — it’s not because I don’t want to talk or reach out. It’s because I feel raw and emotional and I feel like you don’t want to hear from me bc you have your Patrick Dorow friends, and I know that’s silly. Please take all of this with a grain of salt, knowing my emotional state at the moment.
I need to get back to myself. Back to nature. Hike, avoid the heat, read a book. Something where I can feel like me again.
If you have any ideas on how to do that, let me know.